What Bill Clinton Can Teach A Bernie Bro
I am a former supporter of Bernie Sanders and a recovering misogynist. While the true scope of my prejudices is unknown to me, my mind being so deluded with objectifying, dismissive hatred, I have obtained, through an extensive program of attempted self betterment, some degree of clarity. I am guilty of believing that Elizabeth Warren was not as good a politician, or as legitimate a progressive, as my hopelessly problematic preferred candidate. I am guilty of considering Hillary Clinton, a selfless public servant, a corrupt corporate shill. Most damning, I have committed the cardinal sin of believing that a candidate’s gender, and any representational breakthroughs it may represent, is significantly less important than their policy positions.
A steady program of liberal opinion pieces, Medium blog posts, and resistance Twitter is slowly revealing to me the error of my ways. But I need something more. I, and many men like me, need an exemplar, a role model, someone to drag us out of our basements, away from our hangups, and into an empowered female reality.
Thankfully, the DNC has stepped up, big time. Tonight, as a clear wake up (or should I say WOKE up) call to all the reactionary progressives sowing discord within the party, the featured speaker will be none other than our 42nd president, Bill Clinton.
When Bill enters a room (or a plane, or an island) we are told his charisma instantly conquers. None of that anxious, “virgin walk” navel gazing which makes the modern, professional woman so uncomfortable. Ladies, Bill feels your pain. He empathizes. He makes you feel like you are the only person in the room. In fact, why limit yourself to the metaphorical, like some overly abstracted armchair lefty? Bill has an actual room right upstairs to give you the undivided attention you deserve.
An episode of Slate’s “Slow Burn” series on Bill’s courtship of Monica Lewinski cleared so much up for me. I was under the embarrassingly close-minded impression that the most powerful man in the world coaxing an intern half his age into sexual favors was predatory. If you can believe it, I actually thought such behavior was worse than a politician suggesting to a female opponent that she would have a difficult time winning a presidential race.
Thankfully, “Slow Burn” provided insights from some inspiring feminists who set my awkward provincialism straight. These women, including a group of successful Manhattanites no doubt highly aware of the dire economic pressures that say a coercive night-shift manager might exert, explained that it would actually be empowering for a woman to be in Monica’s position. The paternalist left wants all women to have access to healthcare, maternity leave, and childcare, when what today’s career girl really desires is to be able to perform sex acts on her boss without judgement.
In addition, I was reminded by both the above feminists, and later by the series’ host, that Bill’s status as a strong progressive president, one not afraid to stand up to powerful special interests like the gay rights lobby and the people on welfare lobby, makes any criticism of his personal indiscretions suspect. If we can forgive FDR, the man responsible for the New Deal, for being unfaithful to Eleanor, that surely we can forgive William Jefferson Clinton, the man responsible for the crime bill, for ruining a 22 year old’s dress.
When I watch Bill behind the lectern tonight, I will be witnessing, for my own edification, a truly modern man. A man who understands a relationship with a woman is not built on retrograde principles like companionship and affection, the type of antiquated thing on display last night in Sanders’ home, but rather on the power and access you can offer each other. Anything else would be non transactional and thus illegitimate. A man who understands that glibness and a knack for self preservation are the most impressive qualities his gender can cultivate, whereas idealism is a form of chauvinistic chivalry. And perhaps most importantly, a man who understands that it is morally acceptable to receive a massage from a member of your wealthy friend’s pubescent harem, provided you remain willfully ignorant.
There is a crisis of masculinity. Thankfully, there is also Bill Clinton.
